| Losing control | |
| Diminished self-mastery | ‘… it was hard to sleep … Some nights I didn't sleep any more than maybe 2 hours … but eventually I was getting wore out … I was very … nervous … and not able to concentrate and work properly …’ (Participant 35, man) ‘Thinking unbelievable things and thinking they might be true … I was watching a soccer match … but I thought I was connected to the TV …’ (Participant 20, man) ‘… things began upsetting me … little things … there was a buzzing kind of a noise. Now, I don't know where that was coming from because I was trying to pull out everything to see … I … ended up in the hospital after that …’ (Participant 13, woman) ‘I thought my neighbour was going to kill me. … and I just sat there waiting throughout the night or two nights – waiting for him to come in … Then I'd be afraid to go out … Going around with a knife in my bag just in case … I just lost touch with reality really.’ (Participant 36, man) ‘I was doing strange things … I hadn't slept for a few nights and I was walking in my bare feet around the city for 2 or 3 days and … It finished with me throwing stones at cars.’ (Participant 30, man) |
| Feeling violated | ‘… suddenly a woman called [name] came into my room and then a few men followed her and they just dragged me …’ (Participant 40, man) ‘… I thought I locked the back door [home] but obviously I didn't and the next thing, they [assisted admission team] just all arrived in … I couldn't understand them coming into my house and the cheek of them and who did they think they were, thinking they could just come in and strap me into the trolley … and just take me away?’ (Participant 37, woman) ‘Well, I was going to work one night and the cops [police] picked me up and brought me into [police] station …’ (Participant 31, man) ‘They came to the door and they told me I had to go in and I told them I didn't want to go … The next day they came with the Guards [police] … I was going to close the door on the three nurses. But … one of the nurses put their foot inside the door … and the Guards came in then … I was angry as hell because I'm going into hospital again for no reason …… It's happened to me now maybe six or seven times.’ (Participant 15, man) ‘She [wife] called in the heavies [assisted admission team] … I kind of blamed her … Everyone was against me … I don't know if I want to be part of the family any more … I was railroaded out, brought in and I was violated … I was stigmatised … I want nobody to mention to meddle or mess in my life ever again.’ (Participant 9, man) |
| Being confined | ‘I was terrified of coming into the place [hospital] and not getting out’ (Participant 9, man) ‘I thought oh my God, this is awful … It [psychiatric unit] looked really old-fashioned and it just looked really dingy … and I saw one patient … walking around really slowly … with really dull eyes and I thought oh my God, what am I coming here into? That was scary seeing that … That was probably because of her medication but I didn't like that.’ (Participant 27, woman) ‘I mean there'd just be six, eight, ten [nurses] … it's not like a normal injection … they put you lying on the bed and then one of them sort of gets on top of you and … like they push your shoulders down.’ (Participant 17, woman) ‘I was there on the bed and two nurses came over, two male nurses. One had medication in his hand. He said I have medication for you to take … I've only just arrived … I don't want to take medication and the other guy said, well, we'll give you an injection then … that was fairly threatening.’ (Participant 21, man) |
| Regaining control | |
| Resisting the system | ‘Because of the aggression of the admission, the aggression in me wanted to fight … I was angry … I was just fighting back to prove to them that I'm all right. I didn't need this sort of intervention.’ (Participant 10, woman) ‘When I first went in I was adamant … I wasn't staying in here. This wasn't the place for me … And at the time I was like, oh Jesus, just let me out of this place … I think I tried to run off once.’ (Participant 4, woman) ‘They brought me over anyway … I was being forced into an area where there was no explanation or understanding of what was going through … I started screaming at them … I was feeling angry and upset, giving out to people when I got there first.’ (Participant 28, woman) |
| Encountering humanising care | ‘The Gardaí [Irish police] came, bought me a coffee … gave my bicycle a lift down to the Garda station.’ (Participant 36, man) ‘The Gardaí [Irish police] … it was “will you come down to the station? We'll just have a chat”.’ (Participant 38, man) ‘I can remember having a conversation with the Gardaí that night … We were talking about … hurling and loads of other stuff … making sure I had tea and something to eat … just something as basic as that.’ (Participant 38, man) ‘I was given this medication … I said that they're making me very tired … she changed them then …’ (Participant 19, man) ‘Nurses would … come and say “don't worry … you are okay” … Some [nurses] would really understand what's going on. Really understand who I was’ (Participant 28, woman) ‘I knew I could say to one of the guys [nurses] can you let me out for a walk? Once they got the trust with me … I could walk around the block or they brought in a hurl and a ball.’ (Participant 18, man) ‘… you'd come and go as you please … You'd just say to them [nurses] I'm going out now for an hour. They'd say … Yeah, you're grand [name] … I could go across to the shop … That was good … I was told that I could walk out any time … I had the freedom … it's really up to yourself’ (Participant 5, man) ‘I met Dr [name] … and I said I need to get out. My hair needed to be cut and I needed to get a few personal things done and she allowed me to do that … She gave me 3 hours out that day …’ (Participant 16, woman) ‘I was kept in and then I saw Dr [consultant psychiatrist] … she said “what's going on?” And she spoke to me and we both decided … I'd stay. So, she said we'll rip up this form … Keep you as voluntary.’ (Participant 1, woman) ‘I was still very frightened and I spoke with the doctor [names doctor who she knows] … he sort of brought me down a little bit. I felt a little bit at ease that people were being more normal and talking to me, asking me.’ (Participant 10, woman) ‘There was some staff that I got on with. I … felt they had my best interests at heart that they could see the person behind the patient … appreciated that I had a life outside of being a patient.’ (Participant 21, man) |
| Gaining perspective | ‘You're in a different mind state … to look back … I know now that they [professionals] were right [being subject to involuntary admission] but at the time … they were 100% wrong and now I think they were 100% right’ (Participant 1, woman) ‘… I was thinking differently than everyone else. I thought everyone was on my case … I just know I needed to get in here to get my head sorted out because it wasn't right outside … It was good for me like … Just having someone there to talk to. That's all.’ (Participant 10, man) ‘… it [memory] all started to come back … I started to remember everything and that obviously started to upset me … I really just felt totally deflated and at that stage I just said to myself I don't care how long I have to stay in here … what tablets I have to take … just once I get better basically …’ (Participant 1, woman) ‘She [nurse] was talking to me as though she believed what was going on in my thoughts … she understood where I was coming from … asking me questions that were trying to make me think introspectively.’ (Participant 38, man) ‘I was with [psychotherapist] and she was saying why did you have this thought? I thought my house had been robbed … and she said it's a strange thought. Why did you think it? Probably because I lost my keys in [place] … She said oh, well that was the explanation. It made sense then.’ (Participant 39, woman) ‘I understood the fact that they were admitting me for my own self really. They [professionals] thought I was going to take my life … I understood because of my alcoholism … It was … even clearer to me as I went along … I needed it … I think it was the biggest wake-up call … I'd probably still be drinking away …’ (Participant 4, woman) ‘… when I first came into hospital … I was slightly off the wall … So, as I say being in [names hospital], it was a turning point … I sort of finally came to terms with … I have been diagnosed with bipolar … I think … I understand my illnesses better.’ (Participant 11, woman) ‘When that occurred [police arrival] … it made me think there was something wrong … I also felt … more at peace with myself … from a safety perspective I felt that they would actually protect me from what was going on so the psychosis was still there … once the Guard (policeman) was there, I honestly … felt that I was going to be looked after now. I'd get the treatment.’ (Participant 38, man) |
| Playing ball | ‘I was kind of agreeing and nodding with everything just to get through … I'm thinking to myself … you … shut your mouth and go along with it … and hopefully get out fast … One of the patients said to me when I got in … you agree with everything. You say yes to everything, you toe the line or else.’ (Participant 9, man) ‘I just had to basically agree with them and say I will take whatever medication in order to be able to be let out … I had to say the right thing to everybody to get out, you know, of jail basically.’ (Participant 44, woman) ‘When I was sectioned I thought crap. The only way I was leaving here now was to take my medication … from then on I took it.’ (Participant 14, man) ‘Sometimes it feels hard because … even though they're [other patients] getting better they still feel crazy and they don't show it … they still have beliefs … I've heard other people saying that … when the doctor asked them were they still hearing the voices. In their head they'd say yeah, but then like they'd be saying no … Sometimes I say I'm better than I am … but sometimes … I'm not 100%, that's all … They [psychiatrists] just keep you in for longer … Unless you're right completely like, they just lock you up.’ (Participant 24, man) |
| Maintaining control | |
| Living with the consequences of involuntary admission | ‘It upset me so much. Knowing that my husband could hate me enough to sign me in … he didn't want me at home … He went to the doctor and … put me in hospital.’ (Participant 39, woman) ‘I cannot forget that [being signed in] very easily. I felt very betrayed by my wife … I can't trust her any more … Obviously it has affected my relationship … That made me a very disillusioned person.’ (Participant 47, man) ‘It [point of removal] was only 9 o'clock. There were people on the street … that seen all this happening which was … very embarrassing … people judge you as well on that actual admission or involuntary admission. There's a stigma with it no matter what anybody says.’ (Participant 10, woman) ‘People look at you differently when they realise where you've been … I felt that anyway … “she must have been very bad if she had to be signed in”. I'm really afraid to say anything to my husband … I don't give out about people … I think I couldn't start saying any of those things I was saying before that led me to be brought in … I couldn't express it in case he'd put me back in again.’ (Participant 44, woman) ‘It's changed my life [involuntary admission] … You're doubting your gut, doubting yourself constantly … All those thoughts … I didn't have them before … the reality of life as is so different from previous to this experience for me … it's changed my life … I don't feel like I'm good enough to be [name]'s mother now … It's very painful.’ (Participant 10, woman) |
| Managing mental health | ‘And seeing a doctor up there [day hospital] once a week or every second week. One of the nurses up there the other week … that was good. Somebody to check in and see how I was doing …’ (Participant 20, man) ‘… I talk to … an addiction counsellor and he helps me … it's as good as being in the hospital. You're still getting your medication. You still have nurses there for support.’ (Participant 7, woman) ‘… they [professionals] are trying to help … I can go talk to the [consultant psychiatrist] last Tuesday and [community mental health nurse] called out to my house and I speak to them … about the way I feel … I find it helpful to be honest with people …’ (Participant 10, woman) ‘… I was educated about what was necessary to keep myself on the right track and I try to follow that as strictly as possible … it keeps me going. It was also the out-patient visits and the conversations that I had with the doctors in the out-patients that really helped as well in educating me in terms of what been happening and what I should do to maintain a healthy kind of mind-set …’ (Participant 38, man) ‘… the therapy sessions are a huge bonus because if I get a bad day, or two days … the therapy sessions are brilliant … the anxiety and the mood, this stress and coping one … it's helping to … get yourself out of a situation …’ (Participant 6, man) ‘I'm seeing a psychologist at the moment to come to terms with the past and my diagnosis … Initially I saw one really just to get me back on my feet … that went a long way towards me accepting my diagnosis … since then I've been working on motivation …’ (Participant 41, man) ‘… a way I have dealt with a lot of things is to write things down … that for me has been very helpful, to write down my experiences … my emotions and my feelings and that's something you know I can look back on and understand …’ (Participant 10, woman) |
| Preserving sense of self | ‘Being brought in involuntary … it's much harder to explain being brought in involuntary than it is to be brought in of your own will … This makes it more difficult (to explain to others, so don't tell) … It sounds much better if you check yourself in … it sounds like you're in control. It sounds like you're not crazy. It sounds like you're sane. Involuntary sounds awful dramatic. It sounds like you've totally lost it.’ (Participant 41, man) ‘… Everything I say now, I monitor … Every time I have a conversation with the doctor or a psychiatrist or whatever, that it's been naturally analysed in one sense …’ (Participant 10, woman) ‘… I'm a very strong person so I'd be, well, feck it [reference to standing up to being judged]…there is that tendency oh, hide away … you have to be sort of brave and just go out there …’ (Participant 17, woman) ‘For me it's going to be getting back to [work]. That's going to validate me … you've got to get back your function and you've got to create your own story.’ (Participant 36, man) |