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1. Moral Distress
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“I’ll be a nurse thirty-one years at the end of the
month and I have never seen the amount of death I have
seen in the last three months. And it is beyond
emotional and physical. And, you know, it's just you
feel so bad for the patient, the family, the staff,
because we’re not allowed visitors. So, these patients,
a lot of times, are dying without their family present.
So, we’re, of course, we’re stepping in and we’ve never
let anyone die alone.”
“And to know that there was just one gown that I
wore for the entire shift, we would come out and like
spray each other down with bleach and then hang the gown
up. And we wore one mask the entire time. It was
frightening because we know that's not what's supposed
to be done. N95 s were not created for you to wear for
eight to 12 h shift… never changing it in between
patients [and] just not being able to take it off at
all.”
“I chose to be a nurse practitioner because I love
the patient interaction, especially touch…I love the
fact that I could touch you and hold your shoulder and
say, hey, you’ll be OK, or I would pull this stool in
the room, listen to your concerns and address them
because that's what I wanted to do. That's what I love
to do. Now we’re finding that, not only as nurses are we
going through compassion fatigue, but the volume is so
tremendous that you’re not able to do that. And then I
come back with feelings of guilt. It's not about quality
time with the patient anymore, because not only is my
cup empty, but there's so many more people to take care
of.”
“[COVID-19 has been] the most emotionally taxing
experience of my career as a nurse just because, like me
personally, any time I lose a patient, any time
something is wrong with a patient, I feel for them… I’m
praying for my patients. I cry when they pass. So…to see
the overflow of death was traumatizing…That's exhausting
to even think about when we get into [nursing it's]
because we do care and we want to, you know, make the
difference.”
“It's a new paradigm for nursing to choose between
nursing and taking care of yourself.”
“Yeah. It felt so horrible. It felt like so here I
am putting myself at risk, coming to work, taking care
of patients and I may contract something… and what's
going to happen to me. Who's going to take care of my
family? … I think the institutions didn't… really think
about the health care workers and their safety. It's
scary because it's a lot that's unknown…The anxiety
level of knowing that a patient is [COVID] positive is
definitely tremendous. There's so much that's unknown.
You don't know. You absolutely don't know.”
“I think we’re going to have massive burnout across
this country with…nurses who have been working with
COVID patients. And if they don't have a good support
network, they’re not going to do well. So, I think that
needs to be things in place to have some kind of a
tracking system or something to see how people are
doing, especially in the midst of a crisis.”
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1.1. Fear
| “Well, mentally. I mean, I feel like the mental, the
psychological part is just the number one for us in the
health care field. And we just don't know. It's the fear
of the unknown.”
“This virus made a lot of older nurses and
nurses with preexisting conditions retire. It did
instill a lot of fear to the point of the nurses
quit[ting] their jobs… It just shook
everything.”
“Nursing [is a] hazardous occupation…It can
be quite dangerous, you know…even when we had patients
with hepatitis and TB… But when you’re
dealing with HIV, you can get…prophylaxis. With COVID,
it's the waiting game…So it's kind of scary to me, it's
kind of dangerous.”
“I think a lot of people get scared of the
idea of taking care of someone who is so infectious,
but…nurses are used to dealing with adapting situations…
I think the fear was very real and it's gonna stick with
people for a long time.”
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1.2. Frustration
| “It does make me frustrated that there's no medical
people in management. So, it's like people are making
decisions, aren't necessarily aware of how it works.
Right? Which is always the frustration. But it's really
apparent in this situation?… Why are we
not having more power and more say in
things?… I’m seeing a lot of gaps that
need to be addressed.”
“I love my job. I love doing patient
care…[but] I was not being the provider that I like to
be in that first week or two when people were coming in
for things that were not urgent, for things that they
did not need immediate care for, for things they could
have done over the phone or waited, you know, months in
some cases, or didn't even need health care for, period.
And so, when those patients came in, it was very
difficult to ‘mask,’ to use an appropriate term. It was
very difficult to mask my frustration with
them.”
“When I first learned of COVID-19, it was
kind of downplayed. I guess there were a lot of unsure
because it is a fairly new disease. And so…in early
March, I remember receiving a letter from our
organization, the AANA, which recommended that all
health care providers, nurse anesthetists wear N95 masks
when participating in intubations and, you know,
anything that having kind of respiratory, you know, a
risk of respiratory secretions being excreted. And there
was a lot of backlash when I went to work saying that we
need N95 s. We were told that they had locked the N95 s
up and that we did not need N95 masks to provide care
and that… we just need a regular surgical mask. And to
my dismay… after reading what our organization had told
us about the recommendations, a lot of nurses and nurse
anesthetists were agreeing with the hospital for fear of
backlash, for fear of being fired, for fear of not
having work.”
“People didn't have a lot of knowledge about
[COVID-19]. And I felt like… there were a lot of changes
and protocols that [were] being made and changes to our
hours and operations in general without a lot of consent
from employees, which was just really frustrating for a
lot of people…So yeah, it was really stressful, lots of
adjustment, but lots of changes are happening really
fast.”
“I think [frustration] has been the
experience of a lot of nurses. Right? To go through a
lot, make a lot of sacrifices, and it's often
overlooked.”
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1.3. Powerlessness
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“Even when I was there prior to COVID, we were not
really involved in…decision making. And it's really
unfortunate because the people who govern…nurses are not
people who have health backgrounds. So if we make a
suggestion, it sort of falls on deaf ears because
they’re not health professionals. So how do they know
what's important, especially if they’re not listening to
us?”
“I was just very nervous… with a lot of the
administrators. I felt like I was powerless because they
had these masks and they were locking them up. And, you
know, it was almost like, this is all we have.”
“[I was told by a manager] ‘You know, if you’re
going to complain about it, you can find another job’… I
really felt very demoralized.”
“I mean, you didn't have a choice, when this was all
happening… you lose your job if you don't come to work.
So just knowing that if something like this happens
again, you don't have a choice. You have to come to
work… unless you want to lose your job,
obviously.”
“So unfortunately, it's the nurse mentality. I feel
we kind of just suck it up and we move on. But I know
that it's been hard.”
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1.4. Guilt Around Letting Others Down
| “I feel bad if I leave because I love the people I
work with and so I have a little bit of guilt about
abandoning them. But mentally and physically, I don't
know how I can keep this up.”
“There were situations where they were not
proning [patients]. So, you would see a patient who
would be on high flow nasal cannula and or optiflow and
then find them not proning… then you would see them
decompensate. You’d be thinking, ‘if they were proned
would they get better. Are we like making them worse by
not giving them this treatment that we know that could
help them?’ So, we would…have these discussions with
doctors about that [during] panels [and] debriefs
afterwards. We talked about how we did feel like…things
were unethical. We did talk to the doctors about it, you
know, trying to advocate for patients. But it kind of
didn't necessarily feel like we went anywhere with it.
We felt like people…wouldn't help…the same thing would
happen. Like the patients get intubated and they would
eventually pass. And so, they said we could have put an
ethics consult in for that. But at that time, it's like
so frustrating, you know, that I don't know if we could
… have helped.”
“It's an interesting time… to be a health
care provider because usually you don't think there's
just this level of fear. I think that didn't exist
before… between patient and provider like especially
with our pregnant patients, I think they were like, ‘oh
my God, I’m going to [go into the] clinic. And if I
don't have COVID, I’m going to get it from [the
healthcare team].’ And we…felt the same way, like our
patients were going to give us COVID. All of a sudden,
this person who's coming in for her care could
potentially give you an illness that might do nothing to
you or it might kill you…it injected this uncertainty
into patient provider relationship.”
“The hardest part…for me, was the separation
of the families [from] the patient and the suffering
that [it] caused… My
patients… many of them were elderly
and… their spouses would be sobbing on
the phone saying, ‘is there any way you can get me into
that room?… I’ve been at his side for
65 years…. Now at this important time,
I can't be with him.’ And it broke my heart. It was very
hard. So that, for me, was the hardest thing.”
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